So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
