if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
