Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize