It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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