Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He? As in you personified your dick?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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