oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
