Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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Sorry Shitmyselfdrunk hasn't picked any favorites yet.

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(530): View more from California

just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(573): View more from Missouri

I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You live a charmed life.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I would not recommend douching while drunk.

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.

(708): View more from Illinois

I was not expecting that analogy.

(360): View more from Washington

No one ever expects that analogy.

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