god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
