I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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