watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
