Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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