The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
