I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
