Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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