hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
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You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
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It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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