Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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