There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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