Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
