can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
