these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
