Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
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My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
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I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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