he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
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I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
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She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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