im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
