Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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