it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize
