Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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