I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
