as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
