i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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