Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
