The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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