I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
