I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
