My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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