Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My penis needs a shock collar
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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