if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
