Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
