I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
do nipples grow back?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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