im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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