If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
