He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
