I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.