Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.