We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
