at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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