Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
