i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
