census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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