i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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