omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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