when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
