So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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