I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So many bounce houses so little time
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
They are going to name an STD after you.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
