Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
