Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
