Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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